"There’s no such thing as second chance. That’s bullshit!!"
Got this advice from my friends, ohpatrick and vomitx.

That feeling when all of a sudden, you realized that it is not LOVE that you really feel, but it’s just a only a feeling of security and belongingness when you’re with him. And suddenly, there’s a second thought of yours that you want to get back again to your past because you’ve realized all the wrongs you’ve made. I know, I know.. I’m stupid! At first, I don’t have any idea kung paano man lang ako makakabawi do’n sa ex ko. All I think is magbakasakali na makipagbalikan sakan’ya, mag-apologize at ng maitama ko ang mga pagkakamali at katangahang nagawa ko noon. But yea, I realized na it won’t really help. Sabi nga nila If I really want to help, give him MORE SPACE for him to be able to move on. Oh, well. Maybe, ACCEPTANCE is just the only answers in all of this. Nagkamali ako and I made a choice. He made a choice, everyone’s made a choice here. But for now, gulong-gulo ako, halata naman ‘di ba? Feel ko nga wala naman ng sense ‘tong mga sinasabi ko e? Marami pa akong gusto sabihin sana. Pero pinipilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko at magrelax muna sa ngayon. Para less talk, less mistake. So, as for now. Gaya nga ng sabi sa ‘kin ng bestfriend kong si Chris. Reflect and give more time for myself, a-l-o-n-e. <3

"There’s no such thing as second chance. That’s bullshit!!"

Got this advice from my friends, ohpatrick and vomitx.

That feeling when all of a sudden, you realized that it is not LOVE that you really feel, but it’s just a only a feeling of security and belongingness when you’re with him. And suddenly, there’s a second thought of yours that you want to get back again to your past because you’ve realized all the wrongs you’ve made. I know, I know.. I’m stupid! At first, I don’t have any idea kung paano man lang ako makakabawi do’n sa ex ko. All I think is magbakasakali na makipagbalikan sakan’ya, mag-apologize at ng maitama ko ang mga pagkakamali at katangahang nagawa ko noon. But yea, I realized na it won’t really help. Sabi nga nila If I really want to help, give him MORE SPACE for him to be able to move on. Oh, well. Maybe, ACCEPTANCE is just the only answers in all of this. Nagkamali ako and I made a choice. He made a choice, everyone’s made a choice here. But for now, gulong-gulo ako, halata naman ‘di ba? Feel ko nga wala naman ng sense ‘tong mga sinasabi ko e? Marami pa akong gusto sabihin sana. Pero pinipilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko at magrelax muna sa ngayon. Para less talk, less mistake. So, as for now. Gaya nga ng sabi sa ‘kin ng bestfriend kong si Chris. Reflect and give more time for myself, a-l-o-n-e. <3

"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind."

So.. Uhh, yea, this is my family now. Broken and miserable. I just miss those times na when we we&#8217;re together. Yung buo yung pamilya? Magulo man, at least kumpleto at masaya. Yung mga panahong mga bata pa kami, wala pang masyadong iniintindi. Iiyak lang, maya-maya okay na. It is really frustrating now na everytime na uuwi ako after work, wala na akong inaabutan sa bahay. I sleep alone, eat alone and I spent Christmas and New Year&#8217;s Eve alone. That&#8217;s how my life works now. Lahat sila may kani-kaniyang buhay na and it seems like na ayaw na nila ako na maging part nito? Naah. Just kiddin&#8217; I am just way too dramatic here, lol. Hmm, but srsly, even tho we&#8217;re apart now, they&#8217;re always been a part of me and I miss them all. Really. And I just pray to God that whatever happens, we will be together again and in time we&#8217;ll accept each and everyone&#8217;s flaws and everything will be fine, soon ..one day. SOMEDAY. &lt;3

"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind."

So.. Uhh, yea, this is my family now. Broken and miserable. I just miss those times na when we we’re together. Yung buo yung pamilya? Magulo man, at least kumpleto at masaya. Yung mga panahong mga bata pa kami, wala pang masyadong iniintindi. Iiyak lang, maya-maya okay na. It is really frustrating now na everytime na uuwi ako after work, wala na akong inaabutan sa bahay. I sleep alone, eat alone and I spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve alone. That’s how my life works now. Lahat sila may kani-kaniyang buhay na and it seems like na ayaw na nila ako na maging part nito? Naah. Just kiddin’ I am just way too dramatic here, lol. Hmm, but srsly, even tho we’re apart now, they’re always been a part of me and I miss them all. Really. And I just pray to God that whatever happens, we will be together again and in time we’ll accept each and everyone’s flaws and everything will be fine, soon ..one day. SOMEDAY. <3

"Throughout life, you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and won’t judge you. This person is your soulmate, your bestfriend. Don’t ever let them go."

—Neurolove.me

Isa sa pinakamahalaga at pinakaiingatan kong tao sa buhay ko ngayon, si Rustie. S’ya yung taong nakakaintindi sa’kin, sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Yung napagsasabihan ko ng mga problema ko, yung tanggap yung totoong ako at kailanman hindi ako hinusgahan. Yung isang text ko lang na .. "Uy! Asan ka? Tara samahan mo ‘ko, nalulungkot ako e." andyan agad para damayan yung kalungkutan ko. Yung kahit na sobrang non-sense at boring ko kasama, andyan s’ya para lang ‘di ako malungkot. Yung kaya n’yang sakyan yung pagka-isip bata ko, yung  andyan lang sa tabi ko sa magdamag mabantayan lang ako sa pagtulog. Yung tinrato n’ya na ng maliliit na kapatid yung mga pamangkin kong makukulit. Sobrang espesyal lang ng taong ito sa buhay ko at ayoko s’yang mawala sa’kin. Pero dahil sa dami ng taong umuusig at pilit kaming hinuhusgahan, gawa na rin ng katangahan at mga pagkakamaling nagawa ko, bigla nalang nagbago ang lahat. Pero kahit ano pa man ang mangyari, andito lang ako. Aayusin ko ‘to. Hinding hindi ako lalayo, hinding hindi ako susuko. ;)

♪ It&#8217;s been 6months, 8days, 12hours since you went away. I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I DON&#8217;T KNOW WHAT TO SAY~
Last October 2011.. Olongapo -&gt; Pasay (MOA, McDo La Salle) -&gt; Laguna (EK) -&gt; Cubao -&gt; Olongapo. Hay! Parang kailan lang.. &#8216;binigay ko na buong buhay ko sa isang tao. We made plans, exchange of vows.. together. Naniwala at nagtiwala ako sa tinatawag nilang &#8220;forever&#8221;, pero eto ako ngayon.. NGANGA! :O But still, I am hoping and praying that one day, someday.. we&#8217;ll be together again and never leave each other~
P.S. I may be far from you in a distance but I will not consider it to be the reason to forget you. I may not keep in touch but you will be forever in my mind and in my heart. I miss you. Forever, right? 

♪ It’s been 6months, 8days, 12hours since you went away. I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY~

Last October 2011.. Olongapo -> Pasay (MOA, McDo La Salle) -> Laguna (EK) -> Cubao -> Olongapo. Hay! Parang kailan lang.. ‘binigay ko na buong buhay ko sa isang tao. We made plans, exchange of vows.. together. Naniwala at nagtiwala ako sa tinatawag nilang “forever”, pero eto ako ngayon.. NGANGA! :O But still, I am hoping and praying that one day, someday.. we’ll be together again and never leave each other~

P.S. I may be far from you in a distance but I will not consider it to be the reason to forget you. I may not keep in touch but you will be forever in my mind and in my heart. I miss you. Forever, right? 

I still remember yesterday that perfect moment when I woke up..

I’m right there beside you. Watching you silently sleeping. Talking to you through my mind, and smiling out from ear to ear ‘cause you made my dreams come true, you’re truly a hero. I just can’t still believe that my dream is already in front of me. Too bad, we only had one night. But I already learned a lot from you and everything is worth. I miss also that feeling when I woke up, stare at the window and see skyscrapers, cars. Now, I just woke up and all I can see is those fuckin’ trees, smell that fresh air and I can’t stop thinking of you ‘cause I miss you, I miss your warm embrace, ugh. -__-

Ah oh, good luck pursuing your dreams, I know you can do it~ \m/,(^___^`

NOTHING BUT LOVE (LOVE vs. LUST)

For me..

LOVE/LUST; LOVE > LUST.

Srsly. I just want to feel that feeling of a 100% secure and safe beside you, that feeling of belongingness. “No sex, JUST CUDDLE” ika nga. Siguro tama ka, I am too young for that kaya ganun na lang ang naging reaction ‘ko, sobrang immature pa when it comes to sex. Sorry for that. But now, I just want to thank you kasi ipinaintindi mo sa’kin ang mga bagay na hindi ko maintindihan. You opened my innocent eyes, showed me and made me reached heaven by your side. I want you to know how grateful I am for that life-changing experiences and a feeling to be loved by the person you’ve dreamin’ for a long period of time. Thank you for the love we shared to each other last night, thanks for everything. It is priceless and I will never forget that. I learned a lot from you. Though we don’t have enough time and we didn’t have a chance to talk longer.. Maybe next time, right? I have a lot of things I want to say to you. But, I know you’re busy and I don’t want to waste too much of your time~

Now, all I want to say is that.. Uhmm, ahh.. I can’t sleep ‘cause all I think about is you. Are you okay right now, are you safe? Did you eat your lunch? It’s been 10hrs. since I left you there and I MISS EVERYTHING WE DID, I MISS EVERYTHING ‘BOUT YOU, BABY. :/

JULY 03, 2011 | 4:17 pm

Bsta akn ka lang ah.pls

-OOOHH, TALAGAAAA? 

"And I go back to December all the time.."
Oh, hi there ex! HEHEHE, masaya lang ako kasi bati na kami. Actually, last night nga magkausap na kami ulit eh (after 8mos. na walang pansinan, haha.) Sobrang gaan lang talaga sa pakiramdam. Mmmm, ayoko nadin pala magkwento, (kasi follower ko dito sa tumblr yung pinalit nya sakin eh, lol.) Ang pagsisisi, parati talagang nasa huli.. Nung andyan sya parati para sa&#8217;kin, hindi ko man lang na appreciate o pinapahalagahan man lang yung mga bagay na ginagawa nya, pero nung nawala sya.. Dun ko lang na realized na, sayang. Sana pala, noong hawak pa kita, pinahalagahan kita. Sinuklian ko man lang sana yung pagmamahal mo. Noong nakita ko na hawak na ng iba ang &#8216;yong mga kamay, napuno ng pagsisisi ang puso ko. Ngayon, masaya naman na sya eh. At masaya nadin ako, at masasabi &#8216;kong after 8 months, we&#8217;re friends and I&#8217;VE FINALLY MOVED ON.. =)

"And I go back to December all the time.."

Oh, hi there ex! HEHEHE, masaya lang ako kasi bati na kami. Actually, last night nga magkausap na kami ulit eh (after 8mos. na walang pansinan, haha.) Sobrang gaan lang talaga sa pakiramdam. Mmmm, ayoko nadin pala magkwento, (kasi follower ko dito sa tumblr yung pinalit nya sakin eh, lol.) Ang pagsisisi, parati talagang nasa huli.. Nung andyan sya parati para sa’kin, hindi ko man lang na appreciate o pinapahalagahan man lang yung mga bagay na ginagawa nya, pero nung nawala sya.. Dun ko lang na realized na, sayang. Sana pala, noong hawak pa kita, pinahalagahan kita. Sinuklian ko man lang sana yung pagmamahal mo. Noong nakita ko na hawak na ng iba ang ‘yong mga kamay, napuno ng pagsisisi ang puso ko. Ngayon, masaya naman na sya eh. At masaya nadin ako, at masasabi ‘kong after 8 months, we’re friends and I’VE FINALLY MOVED ON.. =)

I don’t get jealous, I can’t be jealous. I’VE NEVER BEEN JEALOUS! NGAYON LANG.

Alam mo yung feeling na sobrang nagseselos ka na pero alam mo naman sa sarili mo na wala kang karapatan at wala rin syang pakialam sa kung ano man yung nararamdaman mo. FML, magtigil ka nga Axl, gago ba u? 

"Foolish heart, heed my warning! You&#8217;ve been wrong before.."
GOD! Alam mo yung feeling na in-love ka na naman? OH, I LOVE THIS FEELING! After 6mos. of being single. Stress free, walang masyadong inaalala/iniintidi. Masaya naman, pero iba talaga yung feeling na may minamahal ka eh. At lalo na pag alam mong mahal ka rin nya. Iba eh. I know, but there is something na ikinakatakot ko kase. Ugh, gusto ko sana bigyan ng chance na muling sumaya yung puso ko. Kaso, I&#8217;m scared. I think hindi ko pa kaya na muling pumasok sa isang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, gulong-gulo yung isip ko mula sa nakaraan. Pero, I consider this as a blessing, sabi nga nila masama raw tinatanggihan ang blessings ni God. So, ayon. Bahala na, go-with-the-flow nalang ako. And Good luck sa amin, kinikilig ako eh. HAHAHA, goodnight. INAANTOK AKO.

"Foolish heart, heed my warning! You’ve been wrong before.."

GOD! Alam mo yung feeling na in-love ka na naman? OH, I LOVE THIS FEELING! After 6mos. of being single. Stress free, walang masyadong inaalala/iniintidi. Masaya naman, pero iba talaga yung feeling na may minamahal ka eh. At lalo na pag alam mong mahal ka rin nya. Iba eh. I know, but there is something na ikinakatakot ko kase. Ugh, gusto ko sana bigyan ng chance na muling sumaya yung puso ko. Kaso, I’m scared. I think hindi ko pa kaya na muling pumasok sa isang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, gulong-gulo yung isip ko mula sa nakaraan. Pero, I consider this as a blessing, sabi nga nila masama raw tinatanggihan ang blessings ni God. So, ayon. Bahala na, go-with-the-flow nalang ako. And Good luck sa amin, kinikilig ako eh. HAHAHA, goodnight. INAANTOK AKO.

&#8220;For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain,
for truth that will never change,
for someone to lean on,
for a heart I can rely on through anything.
For that one who I can run to..&#8221;

"Ma, HAPPY MOTHER&#8217;S DAY!"
Thanks for everything! And even if na minsan eh hindi tayo nagkakasundo, bestfriend kami ni mama eh. Haha, mahal na mahal padin kita ma. Alam mo yan! Kahit na minsan eh hindi ko talaga ramdaman na mahal nyo rin ako. Alam nyo naman na ginagawa ko ang lahat eh, lahat lahat! Para mabigyan ko kayo ng karangalan, kasiyahan. Pero palagi naman kulang. Ni hindi nyo nga man lang na-appreciate yung mga ginagawa ko eh. Hindi nyo nakikita yung mga efforts na ginagawa ko para mahalin nyo din ako pabalik oh mapansin nyo din ako. Yung mga ginagawa kong tulong sa inyo, sa mga kapatid ko sa tuwing naghihirap at walang wala na tayo. Kahit na.. iniiwan nyo ako minsan. Mga bagay na hindi nyo nauunawaan/nagugustuhan about sa akin, sa mga ginagawa ko. Kapag may problema ako financially/emotionally. Dehins nyo man ako tinulungan. Pero okay lang po yon, hindi naman masama ang loob ko &#8220;sanay naman na ako eh.&#8221; Ma, Pa.. Isa lang ang kaya kong maipangako sainyo. Kahit na iniwan nyo ako, lalo na sa mga oras at panahon na kinailangan ko ng mga magulang na matatakbuhan.. eh, hinding hindi ko kayo iiwanan. Lalo na kapagka dumating yung araw na kakailanganin nyo ng anak, anak na mag-aalaga sainyo sa pagtanda. Andito lang ako. Pangako yan! Hinding hindi ko kayo iiwan. Mahal na mahal ko po kayo! Lalo ka na Ma, ang hinihiling ko lang naman sayo eh lawakan mo lang yung pag-iisip mo. Sana naman maging isang ina ka sa akin, at sana lang din.. balang araw, eh maintindihan mo na rin ako. Ganun pa man, mahal na mahal padin kita Ma. No matter what! You&#8217;ll always be the best mother in the earth that I can be proud of :)
NAGMAMAHAL,
JOHN AXLE CARMESIS Y PEREZ.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain,

for truth that will never change,

for someone to lean on,

for a heart I can rely on through anything.

For that one who I can run to..”

"Ma, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!"

Thanks for everything! And even if na minsan eh hindi tayo nagkakasundo, bestfriend kami ni mama eh. Haha, mahal na mahal padin kita ma. Alam mo yan! Kahit na minsan eh hindi ko talaga ramdaman na mahal nyo rin ako. Alam nyo naman na ginagawa ko ang lahat eh, lahat lahat! Para mabigyan ko kayo ng karangalan, kasiyahan. Pero palagi naman kulang. Ni hindi nyo nga man lang na-appreciate yung mga ginagawa ko eh. Hindi nyo nakikita yung mga efforts na ginagawa ko para mahalin nyo din ako pabalik oh mapansin nyo din ako. Yung mga ginagawa kong tulong sa inyo, sa mga kapatid ko sa tuwing naghihirap at walang wala na tayo. Kahit na.. iniiwan nyo ako minsan. Mga bagay na hindi nyo nauunawaan/nagugustuhan about sa akin, sa mga ginagawa ko. Kapag may problema ako financially/emotionally. Dehins nyo man ako tinulungan. Pero okay lang po yon, hindi naman masama ang loob ko “sanay naman na ako eh.” Ma, Pa.. Isa lang ang kaya kong maipangako sainyo. Kahit na iniwan nyo ako, lalo na sa mga oras at panahon na kinailangan ko ng mga magulang na matatakbuhan.. eh, hinding hindi ko kayo iiwanan. Lalo na kapagka dumating yung araw na kakailanganin nyo ng anak, anak na mag-aalaga sainyo sa pagtanda. Andito lang ako. Pangako yan! Hinding hindi ko kayo iiwan. Mahal na mahal ko po kayo! Lalo ka na Ma, ang hinihiling ko lang naman sayo eh lawakan mo lang yung pag-iisip mo. Sana naman maging isang ina ka sa akin, at sana lang din.. balang araw, eh maintindihan mo na rin ako. Ganun pa man, mahal na mahal padin kita Ma. No matter what! You’ll always be the best mother in the earth that I can be proud of :)

NAGMAMAHAL,

JOHN AXLE CARMESIS Y PEREZ.

"OKAY LANG TALAGA."

SIGH* may ibubuhos lang ako, dumating kase si tita from CA. And as usual, may pasalubong.. si Mama, Papa, Ate Bunso may iPhone (apat lang kase nadalang iPhone eh). Then, si Ate may iPad at si Bunso may Notebook at Ipod. And me? I GOT NOTHING. Ansaya diba? Lol. Pero, okay lang. OKAY LANG TALAGA. Kung bakit ba naman kase 6am na ako umuwi kanina eh, at ngayon lang ako nagising. Pero, OKAAAAY NGAAA LAAAANG! MASAYA naman ako sa mga kasama ko nanuod ng P*RN kagabi eh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

and this is me right nao. Srsly.

Chris, Russel, Iel, Arozuu, Febie and Phillip

I LOVE YOU GUYS<3 T-T (naiiyak talaga ko)